


Unhateable

by xXdark_passengerXx



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Insomnia, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-デュラララ!!×２ 結 | Durarara!!x2 Ketsu, Regret, Shizaya - Freeform, Suicide, sad stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23399044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXdark_passengerXx/pseuds/xXdark_passengerXx
Summary: ❝you've always been my one desire;look what you've done to me, don't leave me here❞---"Turn around."He didn't turn around. He couldn't. It was Izaya's voice that gently whispered into his ear, a lure like a siren's. What if it wasn't him though? He couldn't bear the thought of Izaya not really being there. He grabbed the sheets under him. He felt a feather-like touch on his bicep. He clenched his fist harder, desperate to feel anything but the stabbing of Izaya's knives at his heart. Anything but the pain."Turn around, Shizu-chan."
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Kudos: 37





	Unhateable

**Author's Note:**

> warning:: suicide

  
Shizuo sat on the edge of his bed as he stared at the wall. Anyone could've killed him at the moment, for he was so unaware of his surroundings, he wouldn't even blink at a bullet piercing through his brain. He felt weak, nothing like the monster _he_ always made him out to be. His mind was so far gone and he felt so human, yet so monstrous, nothing like ever before. He felt pain like never before as his grip on his shirt tightened. The grip over his heart wasn't enough to stop it— he didn't think anything would ever be enough. Nothing but his face. Izaya's crimson eyes staring right back at him would stop this. It would be enough. Enough for him to feel okay again.

He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. His eyes were burning from the water that managed to gather around his eyes, but no tears fell down his face. He refused to succumb to his thoughts like this. Memories were the only thing getting him through the long nights; he would not let the only thing helping him become what truly broke him.

Shizuo couldn't do anything. He didn't have the heart to, not after he gave it to Izaya. _He saw this wrecking down on him_ as soon as Izaya had given that smile. It wasn't supposed to end like this, and for all the insecurities Izaya felt, he was sure the raven-haired man thought the same way.

He wanted to stand up, maybe walk to his window and peer down at all the pathetic humans bustling as if they had meaning to their lives. It was weird to think he was like that once, before his eyes were abruptly opened. He wanted to watch them and laugh in the same way Izaya used to do as he sat in his swivel chair. He couldn't. He was glued to where he sat, he didn't have the strength to stand up, let alone walk.

He felt arms wrap around his neck from behind, a ghostly, faint breath on his shoulder. He wanted to scream because he knew this was all just wishful thinking.

His eyes opened and he was back to staring at the wall. The touch he missed disappeared as well as the sweet nothing of whispers. He wanted to cry out for them to come back— he was ready to beg. It was all Izaya, the same man who _set his heart and soul and fire,_ and at the time, _it had seemed so impossible._ Now, he only utterly laughed at his past-self for being so naive.

It was suddenly dark. It took him a minute to realize he was now standing on his two feet, his hand on the light switch. With his thoughts occupied by Izaya, his mind had a mind of its own as it tried to distract itself from the pain. Shizuo nearly collapsed on the floor, but he managed to make his way back to his bed. He lied flat on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He felt restless; he wasn't sleepy, but he was tired. His mind was exhausted and he wanted to sleep, but he never could these days. It must've been Izaya making his life harder than it should be. He didn't even need to be here to ruin Shizuo's life.

Even with everything Izaya did— from the fake arrests to making his greatest nightmare come true— _he was so unhateable._ The reason it hurt so much for Shizuo was because he felt anything but hatred for the crimson-eyed man. The same man who had to suffer Shizuo's monstrosity. The same man who Shizuo thought he could never truly harm. What a big joke that was.

Even though he was finally free, _free from all the lies_ Izaya put into his head of ever loving a monster —although it was unintentional, that he refused to admit — he still missed _his angel eyes._ It was funny to Shizuo; Izaya was everything along the lines of a devil's spawn, but his eyes, truly red like the devil's, proved Shizuo wrong every time. There was this innocence Shizuo never would've associated with Izaya. Maybe less innocence and more of a lost look, as if he didn't know what to feel, how to react. It was true; Shizuo would say, _I love you_ , and Izaya would either leave the room or he would pretend nothing was said. Shizuo hated it, thought Izaya was just messing with him, but he had never been more wrong. Izaya just didn't know how to handle it, and now, with the new revelations, it was too late to do anything with them.

Shizuo closed his eyes again, trying to sink his back further into the mattress so he could just disappear. Maybe he could find Izaya in the memory foam, torturing some other soul. He never knew he would want Izaya to make other people suffer. Had it really come to this? Would Shizuo be so selfish as to bring other propel suffering if it meant to cease his own? _What had Izaya done to him?_

Shizuo turned onto his side. He was no longer lying in the middle of the bed, but instead was on his own side. His eyes lingered on the empty spot to his right as he hoped that the vacancy meant nothing, that Izaya was still somewhere in his house. Shizuo knew he shouldn't be thinking that Izaya was still here; he knew that wishing Izaya was simply in the bathroom was a dead wish.

Tears gathered in his eyes again, but he squeezed them shut. He would not cry; that would only make everything seem so much more realistic, and he couldn't handle that. He couldn't face the truth completely; somewhere deep in his aching heart, _deep inside, he knew that they were meant to be as one,_ that Izaya was alive somewhere, waiting for him. No matter what he told himself, no matter what logic he gave to his mind, his heart never listened.

"I felt his pulse disappear," Shizuo reassured himself in a shaky whisper. "I killed him."

Shizuo tried his best to sleep. It was now three in the morning, and he couldn't help but begin to feel paranoid, as if someone were in the room with him. Izaya was somewhere in the house without him, he had to get to him and—

No, Shizuo interrupted his thoughts as he kept his eyes closed. Izaya was gone, and it was all Shizuo's fault. Why was it so hard to believe what he already experienced?

The paranoia only grew stronger as he flipped sides, his back now facing where Izaya would've-- _should've_ been. His eyes landed on his dresser. A framed picture sat in the corner of it, but Shizuo had turned it around after that day. The photo was of Izaya smiling as he stared up at the camera. Izaya's grin was so wide and genuine, and one could see the happiness in his eyes. The Shizuo in the photo, who sat beside Izaya, was looking at Izaya as if he were the most important person to him. He was, that was no lie; _their love was undeniable._

He heard a car go by. Its headlights sent light into the room, landing on the frame. He saw a figure and his heart nearly stopped. He closed his eyes as he took in deep breaths; trying to calm himself down. It was just his tear-filled eyes blurring out the light from the car, giving him the impression that the drawers of his dresser were a body. The picture frame, which just so happened to be turned around, was darker than everything else. It blurred to create a head to match the body. Shizuo managed to believe his reasoning for once; he was beginning to accept that there really hadn't been a figure. Just to reassure himself, he grabbed his phone from the nightstand and shone the light onto his dresser. It proved him right; no figure. He sighed deeply, nuzzling his head into the pillow as he tried to get comfortable enough to pass out. He couldn't though; albeit he knew the figure wasn't real, it was still keeping him on edge. He tried to ignore it, and eventually, it blurred out of his mind like everything else that wasn't Izaya.

With his back still to Izaya, or what should've been him, he managed to slow down his breathing. His eyes got heavier, but his mind still wandered. The hairs on his neck were back up.

"Turn around."

Shizuo's eyes shot open and his throat suddenly felt dry. Shizuo didn't turn around. He couldn't. It was Izaya's voice that gently whispered into his ear, a lure like a siren's. What if it wasn't him though? He couldn't bear the thought of Izaya not really being there. He grabbed the sheets under him. He felt a feather-like touch on his bicep. He clenched his fist harder, desperate to feel anything but the stabbing of Izaya's knives at his heart. Anything but the pain.

"Turn around, Shizu-chan."

Those words couldn't be said any clearer. It was so real, but he had to continue to tell himself it was fake. His heart was screaming at him for his dismissal, shouting that it was really Izaya behind him. He asked himself, how can it be real? Ghosts are real, he believed that, but could they actually talk with those who were alive? No, he answered. He was tempted to search it up, google if they could. He didn't. His hand felt heavy as his grip loosened unwillingly. The strength was suddenly gone as it had before. The words couldn't have been spoken; ghosts couldn't talk.

It wasn't a mumble. No, those words were a whisper. Clear, as if Izaya really were there. He knew he had to prove to himself that it wasn't real. His heart clenched as he slowly turned around, his eyes immediately falling onto the vacancy. He didn't even feel the touch on his arm slowly fade away. It was like nothing was there, and he knew there wasn't anything. His eyes glanced around the room to reassure himself; nothing seemed out of place.

With his arms weak, he managed to turn back around. He closed his eyes and just tried forgetting everything; the blood on his hands, the weight of the vending machine, the whisper of three damned words, the smile on Izaya's face, the gleaming of Izaya's eyes, Izaya, Izaya, _Izaya._

Shizuo had never been more scared before, yet more assured that something wasn't real. He had never been more sure of Izaya truly being gone than now, yet, he never felt more vulnerable to the thought of Izaya being alive. Even though there was so much proof and evidence that Izaya wasn't really there, he couldn't help but grasp onto the idea that Izaya was in the kitchen drinking coffee like he had done weeks ago. 

He buried his head further into his pillow, as if its soft feathers would fill his ears with silence. The problem was the sound wasn't coming from outside; it was coming from his mind, and nothing could stop that. Nothing but Izaya.

He couldn't take it anymore. He abruptly stood up, letting the blanket fall into a pile by his feet. He felt a bit dizzy from the sudden movement, but he didn't let that stop him. He kept walking, ignoring the loud screaming in his ears.

Finally, he made his way to the kitchen. A bottle sat on the counter, filled with capsules Shizuo wished he never saw. It was Izaya's, prescribed by Shinra for his insomnia. It was difficult to deal with Izaya's sleepless nights, but Shizuo eventually realized he didn't care. He enjoyed Izaya talking to him until he eventually couldn't.

" _Silly, Shizu-chan! Think about that book— Inferno! Don't you think the government's going to do something like that? I mean, overpopulation isn't so far off the mark for us. Think about it though, the government doesn't care about its people."_

It was nights like those that Shizuo missed. Izaya was always so enthusiastic when he spoke, his eyes shined and his smile was wide. It wasn't a smirk; a genuine smile. It was funny; he felt more alive then than he did now. He had no one keeping him up anymore, so why wouldn't he just sleep? _Izaya made him invisible_ when he wasn't here. It was like Shizuo didn't even exist without Izaya.

Shizuo picked up the sleeping pills bottle and held it up, eyeing the name he could never pronounce. The bottle was nearly full since Izaya refused to take anything related to drugs. It messed with his mind, he would say. The government was trying to brainwash him and he refused to let them, he would justify.

_"No, it says move_ back _four!" Izaya cried out as he slapped Shizuo's arm repeatedly. "You're not playing it right!"_

_"Like hell I'm not!" Shizuo screamed as he continued to move his piece four spaces_ _forward_ _. "I don't wanna move back!"_

Shizuo smiled at the memory. The days Izaya wasn't explaining everything wrong with the world to him, they just played board games. From late at night to when Shizuo had to get ready for work, they just rolled dice and moved pieces. _Sorry_ was always one of Izaya's favourites; he always found some strategy to help him win. 

Shizuo kept his smile as he popped the lid off, taking a pill out. The rare days that Izaya did take his pills, he would just dry swallow them. Shizuo wasn't sure how he did that, but, apparently, getting a glass of water was too much work for him. Shizuo put the pill in his mouth and swallowed it; he felt closer to Izaya by doing the things he did, as if Izaya wasn't truly gone.

" _Look what you've done to me_ , Izaya," Shizuo whispered as he leaned back against the counter. He needed the support of the wall or he couldn't stand otherwise. He looked down at the bottle and, a moment later, its content was gone.

Shizuo went to bed, the covers over his face as he closed his eyes. It took a few minutes, but eventually, the pill did its work and he felt drowsy enough to drift off into sleep-- or the closest he's ever gotten to falling asleep. 

A giggle sounded in his ears. It was like one of those children's giggles in a horror movie, except this one didn't want to make Shizuo hide under his covers as he trembled. This giggle sounded like Izaya's, and he would never even think about running from anything related to him. Not anymore, anyway. 

But he wasn't here.

Shizuo kept his eyes closed. Maybe Izaya would really show up, his heart believed. They _forgot their past_ and made it this far, and they would've continued to do so ' _til the end._ Until the end, Shizuo would forget about their rough beginnings and only focus on Izaya's gentle smile and genuine eyes. Those moments were unforgettable.

He just wanted Izaya. _He was always Shizuo's one desire,_ and he's all Shizuo has ever wanted. Why would Shizuo let a fight go so far? He hated himself for it all. _They used to be unbreakable,_ so what happened? How did their relationship become so fragile that it just fell apart? It was so broken up that it would be impossible to put the pieces back together, mainly because one of the pieces was dead.

Shizuo sighed as he opened his eyes, glistening with tears. He stood up slowly, making his way into the bathroom. With the lights on, it was easy to see the bags under his eyes. That was what happened when he didn't sleep for days.

He felt drowsy again and, suddenly, even felt his mind go dizzy. He smiled. All the pills he took seemed to have an effect on him, despite his monstrous strength.

Izaya appeared and he stared at him through the mirror with a smile. He could only hope the pills were enough to do more than just pass him out.

_"Don't leave me here, Izaya."_

**Author's Note:**

> based on some true events. kinda. 
> 
> so when something bothers me, i write it down on my phone, and i was looking through my entries or whatever, i came across an entry from last summer. i have this picture frame that i keep turned around (i dont really know why), and sometimes when im sleeping in the dark, it looks like a head. for shizuo, the tears blurring his vision made it seem like a figure, but for me, it was just my terrible eyesight haha. and the "turn around" thing, that was kinda scary. i believe in ghosts and spirits, but i dont think they would waste their time pulling my leg if it were out of the blanket (doesnt stop me from being scared though). anyway, i heard this young girls voice or something say 'turn around' and i did because i knew it wasnt real. i was still terrified :/ anywayyy, i decided to make a story out of it cause why not
> 
> thats all that was true by the way. the picture frame figure thing and "turn around"... nothing with the pills or anything else in this story. just wanted to make that clear.
> 
> also the italicized sentences are just lyrics from the song. i feel like the songs lyrics are perfect for this story, so feel free to check it out if ya want. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed :) have fun in quarantine


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